Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Slacker Blogger!


 
Well hello there!

 

Sure has been a while.
I won’t bore you with excuses.
I'm a slacker...
 Truth is I didn’t have much to say.
But boy do I now!

After my last miscarriage in November I finally did an RPL Panel (Recurrent Pregnancy Loss). A slew of tests that tried to figure out if my multiple miscarriages could be attributed to a number of blood clotting disorders. It came back negative (surprise, surprise).

This of course left me extremely frustrated. I know something else is going on and at that time didn’t know what else to do. I had asked my doctor to test for Natural Killer Cells (NKC). Cells that can be present in the body and have been known to be the cause of multiple miscarriages. My very little knowledge of them includes that natural killer cells have been known to attack a growing fetus because it mistakes it as a disease or infection.

My doctor said she could not run the test because they weren’t something she believed in, and therefor wouldn’t know how to read the results of the test. (Or treat them, I so assume.) She did however recommend contacting a Dr. Sher in Las Vegas and ask him to run the test for me. At the time I thought that was a ludicrous idea and decided to drop it.

January rolled around, when I should have been starting a third FET of the remaining three embryos. I wasn’t feeling confidant at all and started dreading the upcoming start of my cycle. I decided that those feelings were a huge red flag, and kyboshed the entire thing.

 

After a few more weeks of depression and self-loathing, I decided to take another look at Dr. Sher. I had of course heard of him (since I am an info-fertility junkie!) And knew that he was one of the leading doctors in the country dealing with infertility, who also believe in immunological factors playing a role (primarily NKC).  I spent some time on his website and saw that he offered Skype consults for $150.

That seemed reasonable enough for me so I started pursuing a consultation. It took some time but we finally had one with him earlier last month. It was only 15 minutes long but it was definitely a turning point in our journey. After asking a few questions and going over our medical history, he agreed that there must be some immunological reason as to why this keeps happening to us. (We’ve ruled out everything else.) He agreed that we needed the testing but said that he could not do it. He referred us to a lab that is filled with some real angels here on earth.

 

Reprosource lab in Massachusetts set up the entire thing. They found a collection site, got the lab orders, sent the collection kit, had fed ex pick up the blood and didn’t ask me for a single thing! The whole thing was prearranged and ran so smoothly. Even better, they covered over 90% of the cost!! All of the testing combined would have been around $13,000. We paid less than $1,300 out of pocket.

 

Our blood samples were separated to two labs; one in Massachusetts and one in California. These two labs are some of the best in the world. It should be another few weeks before we get any results.

When they come in, Dr. Sher will call us and let us know what he thinks. I don’t mean to jump the gun but I think we will be moving our embryos out to Las Vegas for a future transfer. I have no idea what this will cost/ entail and it is definitely nerve racking.

But when I was speaking with him, I knew he understood my pain and frustration. He promised me that he could get me pregnant if they can find out what is wrong. It was one of the best conversations I’ve had in a long time.

 

I will link his website below. If you are dealing with multiple IVF failure or multiple miscarriage, and your doctor doesn’t know why; do yourself a favor and read his blog!

 

I will update when we get back our results and what our game plan is.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Somebody that I used to know


Hello,
I know it’s been a while; it’s been a busy few weeks.
 Some decisions have been made over the holidays in regards to accessing treatment,
 But that is a different post for a different day.
I received a Facebook message from someone who I had previously considered a friend.

Someone who had been very unsupportive of my infertility journey
and who I decided didn’t need to be apart of my life any longer.
After receiving a message in which she said that she had no idea why I had cut her off and was permanently ending contact with me,
I decided the least I could do was enlighten her to why I had ended the friendship,
 with the hopes that once she understood it,
 she would not repeat the same mistake with someone else.

I then shared the letter with a friend of mine
 who also deals with infertility and she thought it was something that should be used to every person who has ever hurt an infertile with  harsh, ignorant words.

So here it is:
Maybe it will encourage one of you to do the same with someone who has done this to you. It’s not revenge I’m after,
rather the ability to educate a person
so they are no longer hurting those
around them with their words:

Dear so and so,
I’m glad you reached out to me; I hope you take the time to read this. I think it contains a valuable life lesson for you. Yes, you were very hurtful towards me and I believe if you understand the reason behind it, maybe you will grow as a person.  You have been extremely hurtful to me in your words over this past year, and I simply cannot have someone like that in my life. That is why I had chosen to end contact with you after your visit. I decided that someone who could ask for such compassion and understanding while dealing with their own hurt, but couldn’t reciprocate that with others, is not a compassionate person.

 You got intoxicated and brought up a very personal situation of mine, at a dinner surrounded by your friends. A direct quote from you at a dinner, surrounded by people was "if you had sex with your husband more, maybe you would get pregnant.” You are not a Dr; so let me inform you of how incorrect your statement was. I have a disease. A medically diagnosed and recognized disease that I have tried to repair for over 3 years of my life. Having sex with my husband won’t fix the anatomical abnormalities with my body. Neither will your hurtful words. You may disagree with my approach at curing my disease, but I disagree with your absolute ignorance to my situation as well as the hurt that your words caused. 

The only comparison I have for you is when "your cat" died, and may I remind you that I was the only one of your friends not rolling their eyes and telling you to get over it when your cat died. You lost a cat, I have lost children. And yet, I never belittled or tried to talk you out of your pain. I simply stayed by your side and encouraged you to grieve how you needed to. Never in a million years, would I have talked down your pain or made you feel an ounce of the hurt that I felt. I now know that the reason you acted that way is out of a lack of understanding and compassion. I truly hope for your future relationships, that you can work on that. 

I have, for the past few months been cutting people out of my life who are unsupportive and I’m sad to say that you are one of them. Good luck and I hope that this is a learning experience for you. That you learn that just because you have opinions doesn’t mean that they are right. And that sometimes the best thing you can do before judging someone, is educate yourself on their situation. 

If you would like I can link you to resources that would help with that. I am not and will not be the only person that you encounter who deals with infertility and child loss. I pray that next time you are kinder and wiser when you speak to them.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Sad News...again


Hello,
So here we are at the same place we were last time.
Another miscarriage, even earlier than the last one.
I can't even say I'm surprised, I saw this coming for  a while.
My beta was 5.48
Technically pregnant but no where near where it should be that far along.
I told my Dr about taking the HPT's at home
and how they got lighter and eventually went away
she agreed that this was a true pregnancy 
but that it wasn't viable. 

She then  mentioned that we have 3 embryos to try.
I told her that this was my third miscarriage and that I'm not doing anymore treatment until we find out why this is happening.
She agreed to FINALLY do the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Panel (RPL)
That I had asked for after my last miscarriage.

At that time, all the staff thought I was 
overreacting and assured me this was a fluke.

I knew in my heart that it wasn't.

I've never hated being right so much in my entire life.

I go back for blood work tomorrow, to make sure my levels are below 5.
After that hopefully we can schedule The RPL panel.
I'd like to know as soon as we can what the problem is and fix it.

That's all I really have to say for now. 
I'll post again when I get the results from the RPL. 

Lena

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Scared..

Already my happy- go -lucky outlook has been shot.

I took an HPT yesterday, 
which was  6dp5dt.
It was negative,
No big deal, It was negative last time on  6dp5dt.

I did a little research, and it seems that brand that I bought, 
only starts measuring hcg at 50.
That made me feel a lot more confidant. 

I bought a digital HPT after work yesterday that is said to detect HCg at 25 units.
I  woke up at 2:45 am with a very bad need to use the bathroom. 
I decided to go ahead and test, using one digital and one regular.
Both Negative.

I let J know and we were both pretty upset. 
I got a very faint positive  at 7dp5dt last time, 
and my first beta was a 12!
I couldn't seem to go back to sleep after that,
 so I stayed awake and used another digital exactly 4 hours after the first one.
It was also negative

I am trying to keep hope, 
but it just doesn't make sense to me why
 I would have gotten a positive last time with a 12 beta, 
and nothing this time.

I guess because it didn't work this time.
 I know it's early 
and I know that hope isn't over 
until the nurse coordinator calls with Beta results.

But I have to say, I am having a very hard time keeping the faith.

If anyone has any similar stories with GOOD OUTCOMES-
 please leave a post in the comments. 

I could use some encouragement 
very badly right now.


Lena

Friday, November 1, 2013

Quick update!

Hello again!
Just a quick update for anyone interested. 
I had my lining check and blood work today. 
Everything looks great! 
I don't remember what my estrogen and progesterone numbers were-
however, the nurse said they were good and told us that I have not yet ovulated.
I guess that means the birth control did it's job!

My endomitrium was a 14.5
They are looking for anything over 7
She said that it was excellent!
They tried to move my transfer up a day, to Wednesday.
That freaked me out a little. 
My bosses have a lot going on and I knew that would mess everything up.
I asked to keep it for Thursday and they said that was fine.
That's all I have, just getting very excited!
Staying positive, and hoping  for the best!
I'm definitely not as freaked out as I was last time,
so that's a plus for sure!


TTYL!
Lena~

Monday, October 28, 2013

The terrible, no good, very bad birthday.


Hello again

I know..I know,

It’s been a WHILE

I didn’t really have much to say.
I’ve literally just been trying to take one day at a time.

Deal with my grief in a specific moment,
And not think too much on what comes after that.

It’s not an enjoyable place to be,
 But that’s where I’ve been residing.

My birthday was yesterday, and let’s just says

IT WAS F8CKING AWFUL!!

I lay in bed and cried all day long.
And when I wasn’t fighting with my husband,
I was contemplating jumping out the window.

(Not really)

((That would require energy, and I had none of that yesterday))

I knew this year was going to be rough.
I’ve had it in my head for a very long time
That I would be a mother by 25.

When I realized that wouldn’t happen,
 I figured that being pregnant and past the 12 week mark
Would do just fine.

And had Harrison made it,
That’s exactly where I would have been.

Happy, excited, and joyful over the fact
 That I FINALLY got my birthday wish.

But of course, it didn’t work out.

So I lay in bed, depressed and miserable.
I didn’t answer the phone for anyone.
Never opened the package from my in-laws
And just tried to wait out the day.

It was hands down the worst birthday of my life.

I fought with my husband the entire day
Over the fact that I wanted to be left alone.

What my husband couldn’t seem to grasp,
 Is that “pulling it together”, as he so gently called it.
Is what I do every single day of my life.

I pull it together,
Get dressed
Go to work
Cook
Clean
Do school work
Take care of the kids at work
Fake a smile
Breathe


Every.
Damn.
Day.

And yesterday, I just couldn’t do it.
That was my birthday gift to myself.
Let it all go
And for one day, stop trying to fake
That everything is ok.



My transfer has been moved up.

November 7th

There are no words to describe the complexity of my thoughts and feelings
About this upcoming day and the days following.

If you are going through IF treatment,
And you have had an impending transfer date,
Then you know EXACTLY how I feel.
And my thoughts are with you.


Not sure when I will update again.
But I will definitely post the results.


Thinking about each and every one of us that is on this horrible journey.

Lena


Thursday, September 5, 2013

September: Book of the month


Hello again!

I have been flaking out when it comes to “Book of the Month”,


Sorry L

I have a few infertility and miscarriage reads that I’m checking out now,
to see if they have potential for next  month.

In the meantime……

This month’s book is a little on the odd side
Perhaps you’ve heard of it:



Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
By Dr. Seuss

Why in the world would I pick this, you ask?
Well, because it spoke to me.

Unexpectedly, while reading this book,
I received a message, that in that moment I really needed to hear.
I have always been a firm believer, that God will choose to speak to us in exactly the avenue he knows we will hear him the best.
It’s not always how we think we would hear the word of God,
but in that moment,
it’s exactly right.

Earlier today, I picked up this book at the library with my little friend S.
I have been his nanny for over a year,
and the library is one of our favorite spots to visit.
We took it home, and before nap time,
he snuggled in my lap to hear me read it.

Like other Dr. Seuss books,
it has a much deeper message
 disguised with funny words and silly rhymes.

The message of this book is that life is an adventure,
It has it’s ups and it’s downs,
But if you keep going, and never lose sight of yourself,
Amazing things can happen.

I will quote a few phrases that practically jumped off the page,
Grabbed my face and held me at attention:

“And when you’re in a Slump,
You’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
Is not easily done.”

Boy, do we know! Infertile’s know that once you are in the slump of depression, it is so much easier said than done, to get out.

The next page, describes the place your in, of going through options.
It sounds pretty close to a visual representation of navigating treatments, drugs, procedures, bills, insurance companies, doctors and all the other landmarks of an infertility journey.


A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right….
Or right- and- three-quarters?....

…Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
For a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind”



And then the game that any woman who has ever stood where we stand,
Knows all to well….

The Waiting Place

“Waiting for a train to go
Or a bus to come, or a plane to go
Or the mail to come, or the rain to go
Or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
Or waiting around for YES or NO….
Everyone is just waiting”


Waiting to see if treatment will work, waiting to see if the money will come in.
Waiting to see if a miracle will happen…. it’s a very well knows place indeed!

And then there is the part that made me feel brave… the part of the story that described how I would handle the roads that are bumpy…

“But on you will go
Though the weather be foul.
On you will go
Though your enemies prowl.
Oh you will go
Through the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
A frightenieng creek,
Though your arms may get sore
And your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far
And face up to your problems
Whatever they are…


….And will you succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)…..

Your mountain is waiting
So….get on your way!”


People take away different things form this book,
 but for me it was pretty clear.

My journey isn’t over yet.
This is part of my story; infertility, miscarriage, loss…
But it’s not enough to stop the entire journey.

It’s just the bumpy part, of the long road that is my life.
 It feels like a lot more than that, like I was dealt a bad deal.
But deep down, I’m still not ready to accept that.
 I’m not ready to lay down and wave the white flag.
 I’m bruised,
I’m broken,
I’m bleeding,
 But I’m not done.
 
I’m not done fighting for the life that I have always wanted.
I’m not done fighting for the family my husband and I so desperately want.
And I am not done fighting for my babies.

I know they exist, I can feel them.
I’ve been dreaming and thinking and praying for them my entire life.
 And they are real.
They exist.
 I just need to keep fighting for them.

When they are here, I won’t know how I survived it,
 I will be so glad that I did, that I learned how to fight it,
And I will reside, exactly where I’m meant to be.
And won’t that be, such a place to be?