Friday, August 16, 2013

One day at a time


You know the saying

Take it one day at a time”


It’s used to encourage people with all different problems,
Survive their journeys and get them to the higher ground that they’re striving for.


Drug Addicts,

Alcoholics,

Recovering from illness,

Recently Divorced,

Anyone mourning.


It’s used as an encouraging phrase to help
Comfort someone.

But what they don’t tell you,
Is that sometimes, you need to break it down even further in order for it to work.
In order to survive the pain
Sometimes, you need to get through
Just one outing,
Just one hour,

Just one moment
Just concentrate on getting through this little space in time,
 And don’t worry about what comes after.

They tell you this because if you looked at the

Big picture”,

All of the time
 And pain
 And work
 You need to go through in order to get
Where you need to be,
If you looked at it,
 You might not have the strength to carry on.

You might not be able to keep trying
And then you’d give up and
 End up in a pit of despair
 Where there is no coming back from.

That’s where I am right now.



This graph shows a grief curve.
 I hit every single milestone
 In the first half of that graph in the past
 7 days.
Every single damn one of them

I am now residing in that middle section

Depression/ loneliness illness

I am pushing everyone around me away.
I ignore friends phone calls and messages
I blew off my support group meeting
And I’m barely speaking to my husband.

It’s not like I want to do these things,
 I’ m not trying to punish anyone. 

I just know that no matter what they say or do,
None of those people can change what happen
And bring back my baby.

So since they aren’t capable of doing that,
 I don’t want to hear anything that they have to say.


I haven’t figured out how to move on and
Start living my life again
I guess that’s why the next step in the curve is called

Re-entry troubles”

But when I do, I’ll let you know.

Lena

Sunday, August 11, 2013

It worked....until it didn't...


It started out great and didn’t go as planned.
First beta on 14dp5dt:
12
My doctor was concerned that the pregnancy could go either way with a number like that.
I for whatever reason, was not concerned.
I went and saw my acupuncturist and took the next day off from work to bed rest.
I went back two days later for my second beta.
28.5
Officially pregnant!
We were ecstatic.
I’ve never seen my husband so happy about anything
I couldn’t believe how much he was looking forward to having a baby.

We told a few close friends and bought a few items to get us excited.
( It was also tax free weekend which helped me justify the early buys)

One week later I went back for my final beta draw.
50

And our world stopped.
The pregnancy isn’t viable.
It might be ectopic although I am having no symptoms of that.
My Dr had me stop taking the progesterone and estrogen and I have spent the weekend waiting to see if I will start miscarrying naturally.

Other than some cramping nothing has happened.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning.
I plan to opt for a D&C.
I’d like to do it as soon as possible.
I don’t have much more to write for now.
We are both still processing this and I will most likely write more in a day or two.