Hello,
I know it’s been a while; it’s been
a busy few weeks.
Some decisions have been made over the
holidays in regards to accessing treatment,
But that is a different post for a different
day.
I received a Facebook message from
someone who I had previously considered a friend.
Someone who had been very
unsupportive of my infertility journey
and who I decided didn’t need to be
apart of my life any longer.
After receiving a message in which
she said that she had no idea why I had cut her off and was permanently ending
contact with me,
I decided the least I could do was
enlighten her to why I had ended the friendship,
with the hopes that once she understood it,
she would not repeat the same mistake with
someone else.
I then shared the letter with a
friend of mine
who also deals with infertility and she
thought it was something that should be used to every person who has ever hurt
an infertile with harsh, ignorant words.
So here it is:
Maybe it will encourage one of you
to do the same with someone who has done this to you. It’s not revenge I’m
after,
rather the ability to educate a person
so they are no longer hurting those
around them with their words:
Dear so and so,
I’m glad you reached
out to me; I hope you take the time to read this. I think it contains a
valuable life lesson for you. Yes, you were very hurtful towards me and I
believe if you understand the reason behind it, maybe you will grow as a
person. You have been extremely hurtful
to me in your words over this past year, and I simply cannot have someone like
that in my life. That is why I had chosen to end contact with you after your
visit. I decided that someone who could ask for such compassion and
understanding while dealing with their own hurt, but couldn’t reciprocate that
with others, is not a compassionate person.
You got intoxicated and brought up
a very personal situation of mine, at a dinner surrounded by your friends. A
direct quote from you at a dinner, surrounded by people was "if you had
sex with your husband more, maybe you would get pregnant.” You are not a Dr; so
let me inform you of how incorrect your statement was. I have a disease. A
medically diagnosed and recognized disease that I have tried to repair for over
3 years of my life. Having sex with my husband won’t fix the anatomical
abnormalities with my body. Neither will your hurtful words. You may disagree
with my approach at curing my disease, but I disagree with your absolute
ignorance to my situation as well as the hurt that your words caused.
The only
comparison I have for you is when "your cat" died, and may I remind you that I
was the only one of your friends not rolling their eyes and telling you to get
over it when your cat died. You lost a cat, I have lost children. And yet, I
never belittled or tried to talk you out of your pain. I simply stayed by your
side and encouraged you to grieve how you needed to. Never in a million years,
would I have talked down your pain or made you feel an ounce of the hurt that I
felt. I now know that the reason you acted that way is out of a lack of understanding
and compassion. I truly hope for your future relationships, that you can work
on that.
I have, for the past few months
been cutting people out of my life who are unsupportive and I’m sad to say that
you are one of them. Good luck and I hope that this is a learning experience
for you. That you learn that just because you have opinions doesn’t mean that
they are right. And that sometimes the best thing you can do before judging
someone, is educate yourself on their situation.
If you would like I can link
you to resources that would help with that. I am not and will not be the only
person that you encounter who deals with infertility and child loss. I pray
that next time you are kinder and wiser when you speak to them.
