My way is DEFINITELY not the easy way!

This picture just about sums about where I am emotionally/ mentally today. My way has never been the easy way. I was never the person who got handed anything. I have the worst luck out of anyone I have ever met. And I genuinely feel like everything in my life has been a struggle.

Now before you role your eyes and chuck this up to another whiny girl complaining about her problems let me just say, “I know how this sounds.” I understand that millions, if not billions of people across this world would give their right foot to be living my life. I have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet (actually on a shelf next to the door), food in my belly and a family that for the most part, puts up with me.

But besides that, my life is not easy. Just today, I went to the dentist for a simple cleaning and found out I need to have $500 worth of work done that my insurance won’t cover. Where am I supposed to get this money? From my IVF fund of course!

Really this post is stemming back to my frustration about my situation. It started a little while ago when I was watching an old vlog post from a Facebook friend of mine, who was discussing her pregnancy and miscarriage journey about the twins she lost a few years ago. It was a heart-wrenching story, I can’t imagine what this woman has been through and my heart goes out to her. On a separate note I do know that she is currently expecting again!

What really struck me about her story was how positive and uplifting she was. She was still sad about the loss of her babies and yet was grateful for the time she had with them and still excited about the future children she was going to have. She was thanking God for taking care of her twins and helping her deal with her grief. As well as thankful for the amazing family and friends has had that had been there for her during her time of need.

All I could do while watching that portion of her video was to be envious. I wish that I could have that faith. I wish that without knowing the outcome, I could be happy in my life, right now. I wish I could stop waiting around for my life to begin and find some joy and peace in the present.

But I just can’t. I can’t be excited about anything because I keep thinking about what could have been. I am grieving a canceled IVF cycle more than I grieved an actual lost pregnancy. I know that sounds crazy, but that is how I feel. I am so lost right now and the worst part is, I don’t know how to get back to a place of joy.

I can genuinely say that I have not been happy in about three years, and the root of this unhappiness stems from my infertility. I am scared to death that I am never going to get pregnant. I am scared that my life is going to be forever filled with what could have been. I’m scared that I’m not going to survive my infertility. Every day seems like an endless struggle and days like today, where I can’t even get through the day without crying, are aging me faster than I could ever imagine.

I’m trying everything I can think of. I’m staying busy with work and school. I’ve begun an exercise regimen again. I have been working towards growing the size of our support group. I am reading literature on coping with infertility and have been reaching out to the infertility community. I’ve even started this blog to express my emotions and hopefully get some feedback.  And yet no matter how busy I am or how positive I try to stay, this crippling fear and depression over my situation is hanging over me like a cloud.

If I just knew that someday I would be happy and I would get my dream family, even if it wasn’t the way I originally wanted, I think I could get through it. But unfortunately, God doesn’t allow you to take a look at his plan. So here is where faith comes in, and right now I don’t think I have enough to get me through.