Know when to hold em....

So J and I have been talking lately about when we will be ready to do a cycle of IVF. I was ready three years ago (not really, in fact I'm not even ready right now!) But if that is how I can finally become a Mother than I am willing to bite the bullet and do it!

We had originally canceled our January cycle because I feared losing my job over all of the time I would take off for DR appointments. J hasn't been bringing home as much money because of the new insurance plan we are on through his work. (No, it does not cover IVF or INF!!!) And so to go down to a one-income family right now, would be a death sentence.

However, I am drowning in desire to buckle down and do a cycle of IVF. We have the money to pay for it, but will have a $0.00 bank balance in our savings account after the check has cashed. And nothing terrifies us more that having a baby on board and no money. But I can't help but be devastated about our lack of activity in pursuing a cycle right now.

I had some of my darkest days last year while in treatment with my Doctor, running the tests and waiting to figure out exactly what was wrong with me in the baby-making department. But even on my worst day, I found comfort in the fact that we were pursuing it and working towards the goal of having a baby. Standing still and doing nothing is driving me mad!!

When we talked about it a few nights ago, I was really upset because a few high school acquaintances had just had babies and posted pictures up on social media.  I am happy for them, truly I am. I prayed for them and their families and meant every word. But I can't help but remember that I have been married years longer than all of these women, and yet I am still childless.

It just isn't right! I could live with this if I was single, or if I genuinely felt in my heart that my husband and I needed to wait to have children. But I don't. To be honest, it was why I got married so young. To start my family and have many years of youthful energy to spend with them.

I know I'm not old, but after almost 3 years of trying and no baby to show for it, I do worry how much longer it's going to take. I wanted to be a young mom and have five or more kids and already both of those dreams seem to be slipping from my grasp...

Anyway, we decided the other night to see where we are at in June and make a decision from there. I hope to be able to do a cycle in June or July although I don't feel very confidant that it will happen. For one, I don't know that my situation with work will have changed and to the best of my knowledge neither will J's pay situation increase either. But that is what we decided so I will cling to that with all my might.