September: Book of the month

Hello again!

I have been flaking out when it comes to “Book of the Month”,

Sorry L

I have a few infertility and miscarriage reads that I’m checking out now,

to see if they have potential for next  month.

In the meantime……

This month’s book is a little on the odd side

Perhaps you’ve heard of it:

Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

By Dr. Seuss

Why in the world would I pick this, you ask?

Well, because it spoke to me.

Unexpectedly, while reading this book,

I received a message, that in that moment I really needed to hear.

I have always been a firm believer, that God will choose to speak to us in exactly the avenue he knows we will hear him the best.

It’s not always how we think we would hear the word of God,

but in that moment,

it’s exactly right.

Earlier today, I picked up this book at the library with my little friend S.

I have been his nanny for over a year,

and the library is one of our favorite spots to visit.

We took it home, and before nap time,

he snuggled in my lap to hear me read it.

Like other Dr. Seuss books,

it has a much deeper message

 disguised with funny words and silly rhymes.

The message of this book is that life is an adventure,

It has it’s ups and it’s downs,

But if you keep going, and never lose sight of yourself,

Amazing things can happen.

I will quote a few phrases that practically jumped off the page,

Grabbed my face and held me at attention:

“And when you’re in a Slump,

You’re not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

Is not easily done.”

Boy, do we know! Infertile’s know that once you are in the slump of depression, it is so much easier said than done, to get out.

The next page, describes the place your in, of going through options.

It sounds pretty close to a visual representation of navigating treatments, drugs, procedures, bills, insurance companies, doctors and all the other landmarks of an infertility journey.

“A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right….

Or right- and- three-quarters?....

…Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,

For a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind”

And then the game that any woman who has ever stood where we stand,

Knows all to well….

The Waiting Place

“Waiting for a train to go

Or a bus to come, or a plane to go

Or the mail to come, or the rain to go

Or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

Or waiting around for YES or NO….

Everyone is just waiting”

Waiting to see if treatment will work, waiting to see if the money will come in.

Waiting to see if a miracle will happen…. it’s a very well knows place indeed!

And then there is the part that made me feel brave… the part of the story that described how I would handle the roads that are bumpy…

“But on you will go

Though the weather be foul.

On you will go

Though your enemies prowl.

Oh you will go

Through the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many

A frightenieng creek,

Though your arms may get sore

And your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far

And face up to your problems

Whatever they are…

….And will you succeed?

Yes! You will indeed!

(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)…..

Your mountain is waiting

So….get on your way!”

People take away different things form this book,

 but for me it was pretty clear.

My journey isn’t over yet.

This is part of my story; infertility, miscarriage, loss…

But it’s not enough to stop the entire journey.

It’s just the bumpy part, of the long road that is my life.

 It feels like a lot more than that, like I was dealt a bad deal.

But deep down, I’m still not ready to accept that.

 I’m not ready to lay down and wave the white flag.

 I’m bruised,

I’m broken,

I’m bleeding,

 But I’m not done.

 

I’m not done fighting for the life that I have always wanted.

I’m not done fighting for the family my husband and I so desperately want.

And I am not done fighting for my babies.

I know they exist, I can feel them.

I’ve been dreaming and thinking and praying for them my entire life.

 And they are real.

They exist.

 I just need to keep fighting for them.

When they are here, I won’t know how I survived it,

 I will be so glad that I did, that I learned how to fight it,

And I will reside, exactly where I’m meant to be.

And won’t that be, such a place to be?

One day at a time

You know the saying

“Take it one day at a time”

It’s used to encourage people with all different problems,

Survive their journeys and get them to the higher ground that they’re striving for.

Drug Addicts,

Alcoholics,

Recovering from illness,

Recently Divorced,

Anyone mourning.

It’s used as an encouraging phrase to help

Comfort someone.

But what they don’t tell you,

Is that sometimes, you need to break it down even further in order for it to work.

In order to survive the pain

Sometimes, you need to get through

Just one outing,

Just one hour,

Just one moment

Just concentrate on getting through this little space in time,

 And don’t worry about what comes after.

They tell you this because if you looked at the

“Big picture”,

All of the time

 And pain

 And work

 You need to go through in order to get

Where you need to be,

If you looked at it,

 You might not have the strength to carry on.

You might not be able to keep trying

And then you’d give up and

 End up in a pit of despair

 Where there is no coming back from.

That’s where I am right now.

This graph shows a grief curve.

 I hit every single milestone

 In the first half of that graph in the past

 7 days.

Every single damn one of them

I am now residing in that middle section

Depression/ loneliness illness

I am pushing everyone around me away.

I ignore friends phone calls and messages

I blew off my support group meeting

And I’m barely speaking to my husband.

It’s not like I want to do these things,

 I’ m not trying to punish anyone. 

I just know that no matter what they say or do,

None of those people can change what happen

And bring back my baby.

So since they aren’t capable of doing that,

 I don’t want to hear anything that they have to say.

I haven’t figured out how to move on and

Start living my life again

I guess that’s why the next step in the curve is called

“Re-entry troubles”

But when I do, I’ll let you know.

Lena

It worked....until it didn't...

It started out great and didn’t go as planned.

First beta on 14dp5dt:

12

My doctor was concerned that the pregnancy could go either way with a number like that.

I for whatever reason, was not concerned.

I went and saw my acupuncturist and took the next day off from work to bed rest.

I went back two days later for my second beta.

28.5

Officially pregnant!

We were ecstatic.

I’ve never seen my husband so happy about anything

I couldn’t believe how much he was looking forward to having a baby.

We told a few close friends and bought a few items to get us excited.

( It was also tax free weekend which helped me justify the early buys)

One week later I went back for my final beta draw.

50

And our world stopped.

The pregnancy isn’t viable.

It might be ectopic although I am having no symptoms of that.

My Dr had me stop taking the progesterone and estrogen and I have spent the weekend waiting to see if I will start miscarrying naturally.

Other than some cramping nothing has happened.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning.

I plan to opt for a D&C.

I’d like to do it as soon as possible.

I don’t have much more to write for now.

We are both still processing this and I will most likely write more in a day or two. 

The Waiting Game...

So here it is….

The dreaded

2WW

I am 4dp5dt and have no symptoms at all.

I had 24 eggs retrieved

15 fertilized

2 transferred

5 Embryos have been frozen

The first two together

The last three together

My first beta draw

Is

July 31, 2013

Next Wednesday

Subsequently it is probably the best day I could have asked for a beta draw

(It’s Harry Potter’s Birthday!)

He’s kind of the love of my life

I’m also still trying to convince J that

Harrison James

Is a fabulous name for a boy!

Anyway, I digress

I’m not feeling as hopeful today as I have been

With no symptoms and a long wait

Before my beta draw

I’ve hit despair state

I don’t want to be negative

(In state of mind, or on a blood test!)

But it’s beyond difficult.

This is way worse than the pain after retrieval

And even worse than the boredom of

 48 hours bed rest after transfer

I’m just so worried about how I’ll be able to handle it

 if the test is negative.

 I guess I’d mourn and then move on

Same as always

I just don’t want to.

I’m ready for my life to move on from this horrible stage

I’m ready to finally be excited about something concrete

And to finally start the next chapter in my life

As a mom

I’m terrified about Wednesday

To the point where 

I almost wish it would never come.

If you’re reading this,

Say a quick prayer.

I’d really appreciate it.

Lena