Sad...not bitter....

This week has been rough, and this weekend was even worse.

 I did the unthinkable as someone of someone dealing with infertility;

I actually let myself believe that I was pregnant.

 It all started two Thursdays ago when I noticed absolutely no PMS Symptoms. My period was due the following Monday and it was odd not be crampy and miserable at that point. So I took a Pregnancy test. It was negative (Surprise, Surprise). So I shrugged it off until Monday when the day came and went with no start of my cycle.

Then came Tuesday

Then Wednesday

Thursday

Friday 

By Friday afternoon I was convinced that something was up, and that I could possible be pregnant (The old fashioned way!!)

I went online and started being the crazy, obsessive, Infertile that I always am.

Before you know it I am giddy as can be and cannot wait to take another test the next morning.

Saturday.

I wake up at 6am (something I don’t even do on the days that I need to get up early)

And go take a test.

Negative.

Ok…. negative. That’s fine, I can deal with that.

Until crazy infertile lady comes back and starts reading online about all these women who went weeks into their pregnancies still testing negative and here they are with perfect healthy babies! One woman even needed to have a sonogram confirm her pregnancy because even a blood test couldn’t prove it!

That must be! I must be the kind of women who will need to have a blood test to confirm what I already know, that I am indeed pregnant.

I went to work and continue to read about it online and I even went as far as looking up baby names and pinning baby things to my secret baby board because I was so excited.

I was like a little kid the night before Christmas; I didn’t fall asleep until 3am because I was so excited.

Sunday.

Wake up and take another pregnancy test. Negative. But I didn’t care; nothing was going to bring me down. My game plan was to call a new ob./gyn that my friend recommended first thing Monday morning and get an appointment for a blood test.

Once the pregnancy was confirmed, I had a totally fun and unique way that I was going to surprise Josh with the news.

I couldn’t wait to get it started.

Then there was a little problem.

I started spotting half way through church.

Even then, I thought, “Ok, this happens in the beginning of pregnancy, it’s ok”.

Left church, picked up lunch, went home and by the time that all happened my period had officially started.

I took a deep breath and sat on the couch, opened my salad and pretended everything was fine. J came down stairs and said some thing and I told him to leave me alone.

I heard him from the other room ask, “ Did your period start?” In a very sympathetic voice.

I immediately lost it and started crying.

This carried on for the rest of the day.

The worst part is, if I were anyone else, this wouldn’t have ended this way. I would have actually been pregnant and we could have actually celebrated like I originally planned. But no, I’m infertile

Which means that whenever there is the slightest bit of hope, you will end up being devastated beyond your own comprehension.      

It sucks and I’m sad and I’m hurt and I’m really pissed off today.

I’m so freaking sick of this stupid disease ruling my life and the only way to get rid of it is do things I don’t want to do.

I envy any woman who does not have a desire in her heart to have children.

At this moment, I would switch places with them in a heartbeat.