Infertility from the psychological perspective

Hello,

So as I said in my last post, I am going to try and post as many resources as I can this week, in respect for

The National Infertility Awareness Week

This article I found has to do with the toll that Infertility can take on one’s relationships, emotions, and even mental health.

I myself refer to my negative emotions dealing with infertility as

 “Crazy infertile lady”.

But the truth is I have a disease and no matter how you look it at it, my emotions are valid and should not be taken lightly.

I have only recently stopped apologizing for my emotions and allowed myself to claim them as a symptom of my disease.

This is not the same as apologizing for actions,

something that I continue to do.

But I now allow myself to recognize my feelings and not blame myself or

 Try and ignore them.

 I hope that you are able to do the same.

The link for the article is posted at the bottom of the page:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemporary-psychoanalysis-in-action/201304/infertility-recognizing-national-infertility-aware

Don't ever forget...You will be amazing!!

Hello!

It has been a rough week for me, (something I will probably talk about in another post) and somehow I have come through it.

J was not very great with dealing with my emotions at first, but has turned it around the past two nights with some really great pep talks that have me at least calmer than I thought was possible right now.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I will try to post as many links and articles as I can.

But to kick it off I wanted to post something that I found on Pinterest when I started treatment that has truly helped me.

I keep this saved on my desktop and pull it up whenever I need some encouragement.

I very rarely make it through it without crying, but that’s ok.

They aren't tears of sadness they are tears of hope, and they help me push on through my battles.

I hope that whoever reads this gets the same feeling of strength that I do.

With Love,

Lena

A willing sacrifice

Ok, so I am feeling very overwhelmed and a little bit crazy lately.

I have been researching Clinical Trials for IVF because I found out that some

  (Not all)

Provide free treatment if you participate.

 Most of the trials I found ended up on not covering the price of treatment.

 However…

 I found one, in a major city near a family member of mine that pays for almost everything.

They do not pay medications, travel expenses, pre-cycle testing and some genetic testing.

 Nonetheless I applied and have been moved through the first two phases with ease.

The third phase is to fly in for a pre cycle evaluation where they determine if you can participate in the trial.

I feel insane for even thinking it, but I have spoken to my family member and made an arrangement for me to live with them if I do this clinical trial.

This means I would quit my job, leave my husband, travel a few thousand miles and do IVF for little cost!

I’ve even spoken with my boss and she has assured me that my job will be waiting for me when I come back.

  

It sounds insane but I really pray it happens.

I have an appointment for the week after next to get some pre-cycle blood work done. Hopefully, everything comes back fine.

If that is the case, then as soon as I start my cycle, I can book a ticket to fly up for evaluation.

I am ridiculously nervous but hopeful that if God sees this as an opportunity for me, and puts it into my life, I am going to pursue it and pray that everything goes all right!

 Prayers and good thoughts are very much appreciated!

Sad...not bitter....

This week has been rough, and this weekend was even worse.

 I did the unthinkable as someone of someone dealing with infertility;

I actually let myself believe that I was pregnant.

 It all started two Thursdays ago when I noticed absolutely no PMS Symptoms. My period was due the following Monday and it was odd not be crampy and miserable at that point. So I took a Pregnancy test. It was negative (Surprise, Surprise). So I shrugged it off until Monday when the day came and went with no start of my cycle.

Then came Tuesday

Then Wednesday

Thursday

Friday 

By Friday afternoon I was convinced that something was up, and that I could possible be pregnant (The old fashioned way!!)

I went online and started being the crazy, obsessive, Infertile that I always am.

Before you know it I am giddy as can be and cannot wait to take another test the next morning.

Saturday.

I wake up at 6am (something I don’t even do on the days that I need to get up early)

And go take a test.

Negative.

Ok…. negative. That’s fine, I can deal with that.

Until crazy infertile lady comes back and starts reading online about all these women who went weeks into their pregnancies still testing negative and here they are with perfect healthy babies! One woman even needed to have a sonogram confirm her pregnancy because even a blood test couldn’t prove it!

That must be! I must be the kind of women who will need to have a blood test to confirm what I already know, that I am indeed pregnant.

I went to work and continue to read about it online and I even went as far as looking up baby names and pinning baby things to my secret baby board because I was so excited.

I was like a little kid the night before Christmas; I didn’t fall asleep until 3am because I was so excited.

Sunday.

Wake up and take another pregnancy test. Negative. But I didn’t care; nothing was going to bring me down. My game plan was to call a new ob./gyn that my friend recommended first thing Monday morning and get an appointment for a blood test.

Once the pregnancy was confirmed, I had a totally fun and unique way that I was going to surprise Josh with the news.

I couldn’t wait to get it started.

Then there was a little problem.

I started spotting half way through church.

Even then, I thought, “Ok, this happens in the beginning of pregnancy, it’s ok”.

Left church, picked up lunch, went home and by the time that all happened my period had officially started.

I took a deep breath and sat on the couch, opened my salad and pretended everything was fine. J came down stairs and said some thing and I told him to leave me alone.

I heard him from the other room ask, “ Did your period start?” In a very sympathetic voice.

I immediately lost it and started crying.

This carried on for the rest of the day.

The worst part is, if I were anyone else, this wouldn’t have ended this way. I would have actually been pregnant and we could have actually celebrated like I originally planned. But no, I’m infertile

Which means that whenever there is the slightest bit of hope, you will end up being devastated beyond your own comprehension.      

It sucks and I’m sad and I’m hurt and I’m really pissed off today.

I’m so freaking sick of this stupid disease ruling my life and the only way to get rid of it is do things I don’t want to do.

I envy any woman who does not have a desire in her heart to have children.

At this moment, I would switch places with them in a heartbeat.