Somebody that I used to know

Hello,

I know it’s been a while; it’s been a busy few weeks.

 Some decisions have been made over the holidays in regards to accessing treatment,

 But that is a different post for a different day.

I received a Facebook message from someone who I had previously considered a friend.

Someone who had been very unsupportive of my infertility journey

and who I decided didn’t need to be apart of my life any longer.

After receiving a message in which she said that she had no idea why I had cut her off and was permanently ending contact with me,

I decided the least I could do was enlighten her to why I had ended the friendship,

 with the hopes that once she understood it,

 she would not repeat the same mistake with someone else.

I then shared the letter with a friend of mine

 who also deals with infertility and she thought it was something that should be used to every person who has ever hurt an infertile with  harsh, ignorant words.

So here it is:

Maybe it will encourage one of you to do the same with someone who has done this to you. It’s not revenge I’m after,

rather the ability to educate a person

so they are no longer hurting those

around them with their words:

Dear so and so,

I’m glad you reached out to me; I hope you take the time to read this. I think it contains a valuable life lesson for you. Yes, you were very hurtful towards me and I believe if you understand the reason behind it, maybe you will grow as a person.  You have been extremely hurtful to me in your words over this past year, and I simply cannot have someone like that in my life. That is why I had chosen to end contact with you after your visit. I decided that someone who could ask for such compassion and understanding while dealing with their own hurt, but couldn’t reciprocate that with others, is not a compassionate person.

 You got intoxicated and brought up a very personal situation of mine, at a dinner surrounded by your friends. A direct quote from you at a dinner, surrounded by people was "if you had sex with your husband more, maybe you would get pregnant.” You are not a Dr; so let me inform you of how incorrect your statement was. I have a disease. A medically diagnosed and recognized disease that I have tried to repair for over 3 years of my life. Having sex with my husband won’t fix the anatomical abnormalities with my body. Neither will your hurtful words. You may disagree with my approach at curing my disease, but I disagree with your absolute ignorance to my situation as well as the hurt that your words caused. 

The only comparison I have for you is when "your cat" died, and may I remind you that I was the only one of your friends not rolling their eyes and telling you to get over it when your cat died. You lost a cat, I have lost children. And yet, I never belittled or tried to talk you out of your pain. I simply stayed by your side and encouraged you to grieve how you needed to. Never in a million years, would I have talked down your pain or made you feel an ounce of the hurt that I felt. I now know that the reason you acted that way is out of a lack of understanding and compassion. I truly hope for your future relationships, that you can work on that. 

I have, for the past few months been cutting people out of my life who are unsupportive and I’m sad to say that you are one of them. Good luck and I hope that this is a learning experience for you. That you learn that just because you have opinions doesn’t mean that they are right. And that sometimes the best thing you can do before judging someone, is educate yourself on their situation. 

If you would like I can link you to resources that would help with that. I am not and will not be the only person that you encounter who deals with infertility and child loss. I pray that next time you are kinder and wiser when you speak to them.