Monday, October 28, 2013

The terrible, no good, very bad birthday.


Hello again

I know..I know,

It’s been a WHILE

I didn’t really have much to say.
I’ve literally just been trying to take one day at a time.

Deal with my grief in a specific moment,
And not think too much on what comes after that.

It’s not an enjoyable place to be,
 But that’s where I’ve been residing.

My birthday was yesterday, and let’s just says

IT WAS F8CKING AWFUL!!

I lay in bed and cried all day long.
And when I wasn’t fighting with my husband,
I was contemplating jumping out the window.

(Not really)

((That would require energy, and I had none of that yesterday))

I knew this year was going to be rough.
I’ve had it in my head for a very long time
That I would be a mother by 25.

When I realized that wouldn’t happen,
 I figured that being pregnant and past the 12 week mark
Would do just fine.

And had Harrison made it,
That’s exactly where I would have been.

Happy, excited, and joyful over the fact
 That I FINALLY got my birthday wish.

But of course, it didn’t work out.

So I lay in bed, depressed and miserable.
I didn’t answer the phone for anyone.
Never opened the package from my in-laws
And just tried to wait out the day.

It was hands down the worst birthday of my life.

I fought with my husband the entire day
Over the fact that I wanted to be left alone.

What my husband couldn’t seem to grasp,
 Is that “pulling it together”, as he so gently called it.
Is what I do every single day of my life.

I pull it together,
Get dressed
Go to work
Cook
Clean
Do school work
Take care of the kids at work
Fake a smile
Breathe


Every.
Damn.
Day.

And yesterday, I just couldn’t do it.
That was my birthday gift to myself.
Let it all go
And for one day, stop trying to fake
That everything is ok.



My transfer has been moved up.

November 7th

There are no words to describe the complexity of my thoughts and feelings
About this upcoming day and the days following.

If you are going through IF treatment,
And you have had an impending transfer date,
Then you know EXACTLY how I feel.
And my thoughts are with you.


Not sure when I will update again.
But I will definitely post the results.


Thinking about each and every one of us that is on this horrible journey.

Lena


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